Xu Yan found an empty parking spot and stopped the car. Just as they got out, another car pulled up in front of them, and a man wearing black-framed glasses stepped out. He said, "It's you again. You've parked in my spot again." Xu Yan recognized him as her neighbor from across the hall—she thought his last name might be Tang. Once, his package was mistakenly delivered to her place, and it turned out to be a box of mini Lego sets. When she delivered it to him that evening, his eyes were red. She caught a glimpse of his TV, which was playing Comrades: Almost a Love Story, with Maggie Cheung sitting in the back seat of Leon Lai's car.
Xu Yan said, "I didn’t know this spot was yours; there’s no sign." She was about to move the car, but the man waved it off and said, "Forget it, I’ll move mine." He got back into his car and started the engine.
Qiao Lin smiled and said, "He must have noticed that I’m pregnant. Nowadays, I don’t have to queue up anywhere. The moment I get on a bus, someone offers me a seat. I won’t know how to adjust once the baby is born."
Xu Yan opened the door to her apartment. She hadn’t really planned to bring Qiao Lin home. The apartment was spacious and lavishly decorated. Even someone unfamiliar with Beijing could probably guess that the rent here was out of reach for most people. But Qiao Lin showed no sign of surprise and made no comments. She stood in the middle of the living room, head down, squinting as if adjusting to the bright light from the crystal chandelier overhead.
After a while, she came back to herself and asked Xu Yan, "What time does your show air?" Xu Yan replied, "It’s already over. There’s nothing worth watching." Qiao Lin asked, "Do people recognize you on the street and ask for your autograph?" Xu Yan said, "It’s just a cooking show; who remembers what the host looks like?" She found a new bathrobe and led Qiao Lin to the bathroom. Qiao Lin pointed to the large round bathtub and asked, "Can I try it out?" Xu Yan said, "Pregnant women shouldn’t take baths." Qiao Lin said, "Alright, but I really want to soak in the water for a while." She lifted her arms to take off her sweater, revealing a half-smile and asked, "Can you burn your show onto a DVD for me to take back? Don’t worry, I won’t tell Mom and Dad. I’ll watch it secretly."
Under Qiao Lin’s sweater was a dark blue thermal shirt, tightly stretched over her rounded belly. It was almost unbelievable how perfectly round it was. Her transformed body, that curve shaped by life, held a certain mysterious beauty. Xu Yan felt a pang in her heart, as if something had stung her.
The phone rang. Shen Haoming was urging her to hurry over. When Qiao Lin heard that Xu Yan was going out, fear flashed in her eyes. Xu Yan assured her she’d be back soon, then grabbed her coat and headed out.
Xu Yan opened her eyes and found herself lying in a hospital room. The walls were white, the table was white, and even the mug on the table was white. Qiao Lin sat beside the bed, looking at her with a sad expression. Xu Yan sat up and asked, "Tell me, what’s wrong with me?" Qiao Lin lowered her eyes and said, "You have a tumor in your uterus. You need surgery." "Uterus?" Xu Yan placed her hand on her abdomen. She had never even felt the presence of that organ before. Qiao Lin continued, "You’re only 17; you shouldn’t be dealing with this. The doctor said it’s a hormone issue, possibly related to the poison injection they gave you at birth."
…The doctor stood by the bed and said the surgery went well, but the tumor might grow back. In the future, they might consider removing the uterus, but only after having children. "You’ll have difficulty getting pregnant," he said. He didn’t say it was impossible, but Xu Yan knew that’s what he meant.
The doctor left, and the room fell silent. Xu Yan stared out the window at a crooked tree, its branching limbs sawed off. Qiao Lin said, "I know nothing I say will help, but I really don’t want to have children. I don’t know why, but the thought of it terrifies me."
When Xu Yan arrived at the restaurant, Shen Haoming was already a bit drunk, discussing with two friends what kind of car he should buy next. Last month, he had taken his heavily modified Jeep Wrangler to Beidaihe, and the axle broke halfway there. Although it was fixed now, he said he could never trust it again.
They had a self-driving car group, and they always went on trips together—ten or more cars at a time, a grand procession. Xu Yan had gone with them to Inner Mongolia once. Every night, they drank themselves into oblivion, leaving piles of colorful trash on the grasslands. One night, Xu Yan and Shen Haoming didn’t get drunk. They sat on a hillside and talked all night long. That’s how they got to know each other. Xu Yan wasn’t close to anyone in the group; another girl had brought her along, and she wasn’t even close to that girl, who might have invited her just because there was an empty seat in the car. By the fifth day, Xu Yan was riding in Shen Haoming’s car. They talked the whole time, then took a wrong turn and lost the group. With only smoked ham and a few candles left in the trunk, they spent an unforgettable night on the prairie.
The day they returned to Beijing, Xu Yan felt a bit down. Shen Haoming drove her home, and as she watched his car drive away, she thought he wouldn’t contact her again. She knew he was one of those wealthy kids, surrounded by beautiful girls, and that he had only spent time with her because he was bored on the trip. Maybe she was just exhausted from the trip, but the next day, she came down with a fever. Lying in bed, she felt like a fuse about to burn out, almost setting the sheets on fire. A strong, irrational longing overwhelmed her. "Help me," she whispered to the ceiling in the dark. Every time she felt this way, she would say that.
That evening, she received a text from Shen Haoming asking if she wanted to have dinner together. She dragged herself out of bed, put on some makeup, and went out. It wasn’t a private dinner—there were many of Shen Haoming’s friends there. Though she was feverish and dazed, she still smiled as she sat beside him. The gathering lasted until midnight. On the way home, her body trembled uncontrollably. Shen Haoming touched her forehead and scolded her for not saying anything sooner, then turned the car around and drove to the hospital. In the corridor outside the emergency room, he held her hand and said, "You make my heart ache." She smiled and replied, "Everyone had a good time. It was a happy night, wasn’t it?"
That summer, Shen Haoming often took her to parties. These parties were held in large houses in the suburbs, and there were always girls in short skirts with their foreign boyfriends. It wasn't until the summer was nearly over that Xu Yan finally realized she had become Shen Haoming’s girlfriend. By that time, she had learned how to curl her own hair and had bought several short skirts. At the end of September, she was sitting with a few old friends at a roadside barbecue stand when it dawned on her that she might never see them again. After eight years in Beijing, she had been constantly meeting new people, joining new circles, and that continuous sense of rising and evolving brought her a certain satisfaction.
"Do you want to go to Moscow?" Shen Haoming turned to look at her. "Let's drive to Moscow in the spring, okay?" "Sure," Xu Yan said. She thought of the stars in the open fields and those nights that felt a little freer because of the alcohol.
When the gathering ended, Xu Yan drove Shen Haoming back to his parents' house. When they first rented the apartment, he had planned to live with her, but later decided it was too far from work, so he mostly stayed at his parents' place. There, several housekeepers attended to him, and the meals were to his liking. His parents didn’t want him to move out either, as if keeping him at home meant they didn’t have to acknowledge his relationship with Xu Yan.
"Is your cousin settled in?" Shen Haoming suddenly asked. "My mom wants you to come over for dinner tomorrow. Bring her along." Xu Yan replied, "No need, she has her own plans." Shen Haoming said, "The day after tomorrow, I’m free from the law firm. I can accompany you to show her around and do some shopping." Xu Yan agreed.
By the time she got home, it was already 1 a.m. Qiao Lin was still awake, leaning against the bed watching TV. She seemed to have been crying. Wiping her face, she smiled at Xu Yan and said, "Have you seen this show? They swap a city kid with a rural kid, and each one lives in the other's home for a few days. The rural kid saved all the money his city 'parents' gave him for breakfast, hoping to buy his grandmother in the village a new cane." Xu Yan said, "It’s all fake, arranged by the producers." Qiao Lin replied, "How can that be? That rural kid cried so heartbreakingly."
Xu Yan changed into her pajamas and sat down by the bed. "How come you’re having insomnia? Aren’t pregnant women supposed to be sleepy?" Qiao Lin said, "I lie awake with my eyes open until dawn every day. Everything I look at has a double image, as if the souls of those things have all run out." Xu Yan asked, "Have you been to the hospital?" Qiao Lin answered, "They said it’s due to stress, but they won’t let me take any sedatives." After a moment of silence, Xu Yan asked, "Do you regret it, keeping the baby?" Qiao Lin smiled and said, "Of course not. I’ve already bought the clothes—white ones, suitable for both boys and girls."
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