Six months ago, Qiao Lin had called to say she was pregnant. The father was a man named Lin Tao, two years younger than Qiao Lin, who worked with her as a sales clerk in the same mall. His parents had always warned him not to date Qiao Lin, saying that if he got involved with her family, he’d never have peace. When he found out Qiao Lin was pregnant, he was terrified and took leave to hide out. Qiao Lin shamelessly went to his house, where Lin Tao’s mother gave her some money and told her to get an abortion. But Qiao Lin's parents insisted she couldn’t terminate the pregnancy, so they caused a scene at the Lin family's house and even went to Qiao Lin’s workplace to confront her boss. Qiao Lin ended up quitting her job and told her parents, "If you keep making trouble, I’ll die right in front of you."
During that time, Qiao Lin often called Xu Yan, asking, "Why is there always so much conflict in my life?"
One morning in October, two girls stopped her at the school gate and said, "Are you Qiao Lin's little sidekick? You’d better stay away from that vixen, or you’ll end up with a bad reputation too." Xu Yan wasn’t surprised. She had already noticed that Qiao Lin was quite popular at school, with many boys pursuing her and many others gossiping behind her back.
After school, she met up with Qiao Lin but didn’t mention the incident. When they reached the school gate, the two girls reappeared. This time, they looked downcast and said apologetically, "We said the wrong thing earlier. We’re sorry. Please don’t take it to heart." Qiao Lin frowned and said nothing.
They went to a cold drink shop, and soon Yu Yiming joined them. Qiao Lin glared at him and said, "You sure have a lot of informants." Yu Yiming asked, "What’s wrong?" Qiao Lin said, "Don’t play dumb. Did you send Wang Bin to scare Li Jingjing?" Yu Yiming replied, "She was getting too arrogant. I had to show her who’s boss." Qiao Lin said, "If you really consider Wang Bin a friend, don’t let him do things like that. He’s already got two strikes against him. One more, and he’ll be expelled." Yu Yiming said, "I can’t allow them to slander you like that." Qiao Lin smiled faintly and said, "I don’t care about that."
Xu Yan said to Qiao Lin, "If I were you, I probably would have gotten an abortion." Qiao Lin looked horrified and said, "How could I? It’s a life." Xu Yan replied, "There are many lives in this world that are mistakes. Being born will only bring them suffering." Qiao Lin said, "Stop it. I could never do something like that."
Xu Yan knew very well that Qiao Lin couldn’t do it because of their parents. They had initially opposed family planning, and later became staunchly against abortion. Especially their mother, Wang Yazhen, who had become a crusader for the cause. She often stood at the hospital gates, intercepting women on their way to get abortions, telling them ghost stories of vengeful spirits, and even frightening doctors and nurses into putting down their scalpels and going to temples to pray for the dead. A few women actually listened to her and gave birth to their children, and Wang Yazhen had their babies' one-month photos enlarged and carried them around to show off. She loved to tell her own story: "My youngest daughter was almost aborted. They pumped me full of hormones and poison. I almost died on the operating table because of my heart condition. But didn’t my child survive, healthy and strong? You don’t have half the difficulties I had, so what reason do you have not to keep your baby?" No doubt she would later hold up Qiao Lin as an example of a single mother. As for how Qiao Lin would raise the child, that never crossed her mind. It had been Qiao Lin supporting the family all these years, and now she was out of a job.
Their misfortunes would eventually become ammunition for their parents’ petitions. Just like how the tumor in Xu Yan's uterus was used by them to demand additional compensation. The anger Xu Yan felt, like a dormant volcano, began to burn again. Perhaps it wasn’t entirely about Qiao Lin—maybe it was more about rebelling against her parents, delivering a heavy blow to their plans—so she called Qiao Lin again. Qiao Lin seemed a little taken aback, saying, "You’ve never called me before." Xu Yan said, "You should think carefully; keeping this child could ruin your entire life." Qiao Lin replied, "But it's alive. It moves inside me. It’s really amazing. You wouldn’t understand that feeling..." Xu Yan let out a cold laugh. "You’re right, I wouldn’t understand that feeling. And I won’t interfere in your matters anymore."
Qiao Lin didn’t call again. Sometimes, when Xu Yan thought of her, she would mentally calculate the months and wonder how long until the baby was born.
Qiao Lin sat on the bleachers at the playground, biting into a popsicle, her mouth stained with bright artificial coloring. Xu Yan walked over and said, "What’s the point of hiding here?" Qiao Lin didn’t respond. Xu Yan asked, "Do you really enjoy watching boys fight over you? If you don’t want to date them, why are you so nice to them, letting them circle around you?" Qiao Lin said, "Maybe I’m afraid of being lonely," and then she looked up, her orange-stained lips curling into a smile. "Do you hate girls like me?"
Xu Yan lay down on the bed and reached out to turn off the lamp. But the darkness wasn’t quite dark enough; a trembling beam of light slipped through the gap in the curtains. As she debated whether to get up and block out that light, Qiao Lin’s hand reached through the blanket separating them, finding hers. "Do you remember," Qiao Lin said, "when Grandma was sick, I brought you home, and we squeezed into my little bed?" Xu Yan replied, "That was when we were very young. I haven’t been back since middle school."
Qiao Lin squeezed her hand tightly. "I know I said the wrong thing last time. I’ve been wanting to call you, but I was afraid you’d try to convince me to have an abortion again..." Xu Yan said, "Admit it, you regret it now." Qiao Lin replied, "No, I’ve thought it through. No matter what I give this child, whether it’s a lot or a little, it’s still going to live its own life. You went through a lot of hardship when you were young, but aren’t you doing okay now?" Xu Yan asked, "What about you? What kind of life are you living? Why do you insist on carrying such a heavy burden?" Qiao Lin chuckled in the darkness. "I like to show off, always thinking I’m indispensable. But what good am I, really?" She squeezed Xu Yan’s hand. "I’ve long given up hope on those petitions. I’m just doing it out of spite for Lin Tao. Back then, he said, ‘If your family gets the compensation they’re asking for and stops causing trouble, I’ll marry you.’ But of course, that’s impossible. He probably has a new girlfriend by now."
Xu Yan turned over and closed her eyes. She listened to Qiao Lin’s heavy breathing, like that of a ship about to sink. An obvious yet long-ignored fact suddenly dawned on her: her sister was not doing well and might never be okay again. Was there anything she could do to help her?
She could. Shen Haoming was a lawyer himself, and he was warm-hearted and loved helping friends. His father also had many government connections.
She couldn’t. She could never bring herself to ask. From the beginning, she had hidden the truth about her family, saying her father was gone and her mother had passed away, and that she was raised by her grandmother. "It’s not lying," she told herself, "it’s self-preservation." Who could accept parents who were constantly causing trouble, always being escorted out by security guards? But, since she had always said Qiao Lin was her cousin—maybe she could ask them to help this "cousin"? But there was a risk. In one interview, her parents had mentioned their younger daughter’s name and said she was living in Beijing. If that information were dug up, her identity would be exposed.
Xu Yan managed to sleep for a few hours, waking up just before dawn. She felt Qiao Lin’s breath warm against her face, her mouth so close. She opened her eyes and saw Qiao Lin watching her in the dim light. For a moment, she couldn’t remember when, but she had once seen Qiao Lin look at her like that, with those big round eyes, as if she had just realized something important that she wanted to share. But she didn’t say anything.
"Do you see double when you look at me too?" Xu Yan asked.
Qiao Lin said, "No, I see you very clearly."
Yu Yiming was standing at the door of her classroom. He said Qiao Lin hadn’t attended class for three days. Xu Yan said, "My dad broke his leg, and she has to take care of him." Yu Yiming replied, "Every time your parents have a problem, she misses class. The exams are coming up. She can’t keep this up. Take me to see her."
It was snowing outside, and the roads were icy. They pushed their bikes as they walked. The wind was strong, and the snow fell chaotically, the sky looking like a wasp's nest. Yu Yiming’s hair had grown longer, and his face was pale, with a charming dimple on his chin. He said seriously, "Help me convince Qiao Lin to study hard and take the exam with me. We can both get into Beijing." Xu Yan said, "She doesn’t want to go." Yu Yiming said, "There’s no future for her here." Xu Yan asked, "What’s Beijing like?" Yu Yiming replied, "The roads in Beijing are really wide, there are shops everywhere, and lots of cafes. Study hard, and you can join us in two years." Xu Yan asked, "Me?" Yu Yiming said, "Yes, we’ll be waiting for you in Beijing."
Xu Yan stared at him, stunned. The white breath he exhaled rose into the air and then dispersed.
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