The housekeeper brought in some fruit. The TV had already switched to a drama, but Xu Yan didn’t dare look at the screen, as if the previous images might suddenly reappear. She hunched her shoulders and stared down at the plate in front of her until she heard Shen Haoming say, "Let’s go," at which point she stood up and followed him out the door.
She hugged her bag tightly as she got into the car, her body trembling. "Where’s your coat?" Shen Haoming asked. Only then did she realize she had forgotten to wear it. "Don’t go back to get it," she almost pleaded. The car stopped, and she got out, finding herself in an open courtyard surrounded by deep red brick walls. She shivered and asked, "Where are we?" Shen Haoming replied, "Su Han’s having a birthday party. Didn’t I tell you?"
The room inside was noisy, with long tables pieced together, crowded on both sides. Besides Su Han, Xu Yan didn’t recognize anyone. Shen Haoming introduced her to everyone, and she nodded, but couldn’t remember a single name. "This is Fang Lei," Shen Haoming said, pointing to the girl on the right. "She went to the same school as me in the UK. She studied law, so she’s kind of my junior." The girl smiled, "You barely studied there before you transferred out, and you still have the nerve to call yourself a senior?" Shen Haoming laughed, "Hey, my name’s still in the alumni records." The girl raised an eyebrow, "That’s just so they can ask you for donations, isn’t it?" Shen Haoming chuckled, and Xu Yan forced a smile. The smile gradually faded from her face as tears suddenly welled up.
Qiao Lin had once pulled her by the hand, leading her up a mountain path. "It’s going to rain soon. Let’s go back," Xu Yan had said. "You’re going to Beijing. I need to get you a protective charm," Qiao Lin had replied. "But the vendors have probably already left," Xu Yan protested. "Let’s just go a bit further and see," Qiao Lin insisted.
A heavy rain began to fall, and they ran into a temple for shelter. Shaking off the rain from their clothes, Qiao Lin’s long hair sprayed droplets onto Xu Yan’s face, making her giggle. "Be serious. The Buddha might get angry," Xu Yan scolded playfully. Qiao Lin stopped laughing, looked around the main hall, and whispered, "What do people pray for in this temple, anyway?"
Xu Yan propped her elbow on the table, resting her chin in her hand as she discreetly wiped away her tears. Shen Haoming was asking the girl named Fang Lei, "When did you move back?" Fang Lei raised an eyebrow, "How do you know I moved back? Do I not look like I'm just here on vacation?" Shen Haoming shook his head, "I don't believe you could stand staying in the UK for too long."
They stood side by side in the center of the temple hall. The Buddha's neck extended into the darkness, his face obscured, but Xu Yan could sense a faint beam of white light shining down from above.
Qiao Lin whispered, "So many people come to pray to her. Do you think she can really help them all?" Xu Yan replied, "She probably only helps those she likes." Qiao Lin chuckled, "Then she must like me. I always wished for Mom to give birth to you. I even asked for a little sister. See, the Buddha gave you to me." Xu Yan asked, "You were only two at the time, and you already knew how to pray to the Buddha?" Qiao Lin said, "I couldn't say it out loud, but the Buddha must have known what I was thinking. Xu Yan replied, "If you had known what was going to happen later, you wouldn't have wished for it." Qiao Lin said, "I would still have wished for it. I never once thought it would have been better if you hadn’t been born—never, not even for a second. I just often wished we could merge into one person." She grasped Xu Yan's hand, her palm warm, as if heat were flowing from it.
"Can you take a picture of us?" Xu Yan heard someone calling her. It was Su Han, standing behind Fang Lei and Shen Haoming. Xu Yan took the phone. Su Han smiled and asked Shen Haoming, "Do you remember when the three of us used to drive out to the countryside for BBQ every weekend? Then after one summer, we all got so busy and never gathered again. Or maybe you two did and just didn’t invite me." Fang Lei glanced sideways at Su Han, "You’re right, we were secretly dating." Shen Haoming nodded, "Then she dumped me, and I was so heartbroken that I came back to China." Su Han laughed, "Careful, your girlfriend might take you seriously and start a fight with you later." Shen Haoming said, "She wouldn’t."
A cool breeze drifted through the temple hall, and it seemed like the rain had stopped. Someone was standing by the door, watching them. The person was wearing a tattered coat, and with the backlight, Xu Yan couldn’t see their feet—she thought the person might be sitting, but then realized their feet were just covered by the coat. It was an old man, his face wrinkled like a crumpled-up piece of newspaper. As they walked out, he spoke up, "Do you want to know your future?" The sisters exchanged a glance but didn’t stop. He said, "I won’t charge you anything. Just doing this to pass the time."
He walked up to them, tilted his face up to stare at Qiao Lin, and said, "Your luck has been tough early on, but it will get better after you turn thirty." Qiao Lin asked, "How will it get better?" He replied, "You’ll be surrounded by children and grandchildren, and someone will be there to see you off." Qiao Lin laughed, "Having someone to see me off—does that count as a good life?" The old man didn’t answer. He turned to Xu Yan, "As for you, whatever you want, you’ll have to fight others for it." Xu Yan asked, "And will I win in the end?" He shook his head, "I don’t know." Xu Yan asked, "There are things even you don’t know?" He nodded, "There are some things."
Su Han poked Shen Haoming with her finger and said, "You should talk some sense into Fang Lei. She’s become an angry young woman who’s critical of everything and spends all day criticizing society." Shen Haoming said, "That’s called ‘reverse culture shock.’ It’ll pass." Fang Lei asked, "Like it did for you? Happily playing the role of the eldest son of the Shen family?" Shen Haoming got a bit worked up, "Don’t think I’m so indifferent, okay? I’ve always wanted to do something…"
Then he started talking about the TV program he had watched before coming out: "There was this couple who unexpectedly got pregnant with a second child. By law, they should have aborted it, but for some reason, they delayed it for several months. Anyway, it wasn’t their fault; they didn’t go for the procedure until the seventh month, and the child was born alive…" Su Han sighed, "What a strong will to live." Shen Haoming continued, "But because it was an illegal birth, the man lost his job…" When he got to the part about Qiao Lin’s suicide, Fang Lei shook her head, "That’s the saddest part. Because of the previous generation's problems, the children’s lives are ruined." Su Han added, "What’s interesting about this story is that the legally born sister died, but the illegally born sister survived. So now they only have one child—does that still count as an illegal birth?"
Xu Yan left the table and walked into the restroom, locking the door behind her.
It wasn’t that Qiao Lin didn’t believe in her; she just didn’t have any hope left in the world. Xu Yan remembered the last time Qiao Lin had called her—it was early one morning. "I’m out of confinement today," Qiao Lin had said. Xu Yan asked, "Do you have enough milk? Are you able to sleep now?" Qiao Lin didn’t answer. She only said, "Everything’s fine. I just wanted to let you know. You go ahead and stay busy." Her voice was calm, neither happy nor sad, just a sense of relief. It was as if she had been waiting for this day—waiting for the child to be born, waiting to get through the confinement period… She had been so desperate to resolve their parents’ situation, not because she was hoping for a new life, but because she wanted some kind of resolution that would bring her a bit of peace. And when that didn’t happen, she couldn’t wait any longer. She had already let go.
Someone outside was impatiently knocking on the door. Xu Yan turned on the faucet and leaned her face under the stream of water.
The noise outside faded away, as if she were sinking into the river, with only the sound of the water gurgling in her ears. "I just wanted to see you," Qiao Lin had said, turning to smile at her. Those slightly red eyes stared at her from the depths of the dark water. And then they went out.
Xu Yan returned to the table and told Shen Haoming that she might be catching a cold and wanted to leave early. Shen Haoming said, "Let’s go together." In the car, he said, "Fang Lei was pretty upset hearing about that news story too. She said she has some lawyer friends who recently returned from abroad; maybe one of them would be willing to take the case. I’ll give Uncle Gao a call later and ask him to talk to someone in Tai’an. This case has gotten a lot of attention, and if it’s not resolved, it’ll be hard for them to explain it away." Xu Yan stared blankly at him. This is what Qiao Lin traded her life for, she thought as tears started to fall. Shen Haoming was surprised, "What’s wrong? You’re not taking it seriously, are you? Thinking I had a thing with Fang Lei? We were just joking around." Xu Yan shook her head, "No, no, I’m just a little touched. You really are a kind person." She looked at Shen Haoming and reached out to touch his cheek. He rubbed his chin against her palm and smiled, "I forgot to shave."
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