At the beginning of May, Xu Yan returned to Tai'an. The school had reinstated Qiao Jianbin’s position, granting him a pension equivalent to that of a retired teacher. It was said that the episode of "Focus Moment" had caught the attention of some high-ranking officials in Beijing, who then intervened and called the Family Planning Commission. However, Qiao Jianbin and Wang Yazhen were not satisfied with the outcome because the compensation they were seeking had not been settled. They continued to petition the authorities.
Since the program aired, they had been interviewed several times. Qiao Jianbin had become quite articulate, his eyes lighting up whenever he saw a camera. He proudly told Xu Yan that the reporters admired him, believing that the world needed more people like him—stubborn and persistent. Wang Yazhen had started a Weibo account where she chronicled the family’s struggles over the years. Her posts had been shared by several well-known journalists and scholars, attracting numerous comments. Wang Yazhen replied to each comment, sometimes even adding people on QQ if they seemed like-minded.
The attention from the outside world kept them busy and temporarily distracted them from their grief over Qiao Lin’s death. But whenever they returned to the reality of their lives, realizing that Qiao Lin was gone forever, their emotions would collapse again. The light in their house was broken, and no one was there to fix it. The refrigerator smelled terrible, with cakes and yogurt that Qiao Lin had bought still sitting inside. Baby formula sat on the table with the lid open, forming clumps. As soon as it got dark, cockroaches scurried across the table. Then Wang Yazhen would start crying again. Qiao Jianbin’s emotions fluctuated wildly. Sometimes he would sit quietly, staring blankly at a bottle of wine on the table. Other times, he would fly into a rage, cursing Qiao Lin for being ungrateful, for raising her only to have her betray them like this. After crying, Wang Yazhen would sit down at the old computer and start writing on her Weibo:
“You don’t know how wonderful my eldest daughter was—beautiful, sensible, lively, loved by everyone. When I was sad, she would always comfort me, saying, ‘Mom, this too shall pass. There’s nothing in this world that we can’t get through…’”
As she wrote, the tears would start again. Xu Yan would walk over and sit beside her. Wang Yazhen would turn around and hug Xu Yan, who gently patted her back, trying to calm her down. The computer would then chime, and Wang Yazhen would pull away, wiping her tears, and say, “Someone replied to me!” She would quickly grab the mouse and click on the message.
For the first two days back, Xu Yan stayed at a nearby hotel. On the third night, Qiao Lin’s child developed a slight fever, so Xu Yan stayed to take care of her and ended up sleeping in Qiao Lin’s bed. The pillowcase hadn’t been changed, still carrying the scent of the shampoo Qiao Lin used. Lying on it, Xu Yan recalled a childhood wish, a wish she had never admitted to herself—that she could sleep in this bed, not with Qiao Lin, but alone. This dilapidated home had a strange allure for her; she longed to be a legitimate daughter living in this house. Throughout her childhood and adolescence, she had met many exceptional girls—wealthy, beautiful, intelligent—but she had never wanted to be any of them. She only wanted to be Qiao Lin. She wanted to take her place, to possess everything she had. Even if that included pain and misfortune, it didn’t matter, because she felt that those things were rightfully hers. If Qiao Lin didn’t exist… she had thought this countless times. As a child, she and Qiao Lin would stand by the river, under the same sun, but she always felt that Qiao Lin was bathed in sunlight, while she was in the shadows. If Qiao Lin didn’t exist… she could step two paces to the right and stand in the sunlight.
This childhood wish was so sincere and terrifying that she had kept it in her heart, slowly releasing its poison into the world. Many years later, it had come true. Qiao Lin was gone. Now she was sleeping in Qiao Lin’s bed, as the only daughter her parents had left. Xu Yan buried her face in the pillowcase and wept uncontrollably. Could she take back that wish? Would everything have been different? Would Qiao Lin have been happier? And could she have grown into a different person? Qiao Lin was gone, but she couldn’t step into the sunlight. She would remain in the shadows forever.
The baby let out a loud cry. Xu Yan picked her up. In the darkness, the baby’s pure face showed no signs of tears or sadness, as if the earlier cries had been just to pull Xu Yan out of her despair. The baby looked at her quietly, her tiny eyes seeming to hold an ocean. Xu Yan wanted to confess her sins to those eyes but wanted even more to bestow all her blessings upon their owner. If her blessings had any power, like her childhood wish did, she hoped the baby would receive the happiness that neither she nor Qiao Lin ever had.
Xu Yan woke up beside Yu Yiming at three in the morning. The hotel window didn’t close properly, and cold wind was seeping in. It was the start of winter, and Beijing was freezing. Xu Yan had met up with Yu Yiming for dinner and then drinks. Toward the end, Qiao Lin had suddenly disappeared from their conversation. Xu Yan remembered Yu Yiming staring at her blankly. The rest of the night was a blur. She couldn’t remember what she had said or what Yu Yiming had said. Had they kissed? She thought she might have felt some pain, but maybe not—maybe she just felt like she should have.
She woke Yu Yiming up. He rolled off the bed and grabbed his clothes from the floor. His girlfriend was waiting for him at home; he had emphasized this point before he got drunk. As he dressed, he said to Xu Yan, “I know it’s because you just got to Beijing, and you’re feeling a bit homesick. It’ll get better in a few days.”
At the door, Xu Yan called out to him, reaching into her bag to rummage for something. He asked, “What’s wrong?” Xu Yan said, “Qiao Lin had something she wanted me to give you.” He stood there for a moment, waiting, but she couldn’t find it. “I really have to go. We’ll talk about it another time,” he said, then opened the door and left.
The pen had been sitting in the side pocket of her backpack for weeks. Xu Yan had forgotten to give it to Yu Yiming the last two times they met, perhaps because she wanted a reason to see him again. But now, she desperately wanted to give him that pen. She turned on the light and dumped the contents of her bag onto the floor.
Qiao Lin's baby was exceptionally quiet. After getting through the initial days of separation from her mother, she quickly adapted to her new life. Each time after feeding, she would fall asleep, and when she woke up, she would only let out a few soft cries before quietly waiting. When Xu Yan picked her up, the baby would press her head against Xu Yan's chest as if listening to her heartbeat, with a small smile on her face. Each time Xu Yan tried to put her down, the baby would whimper softly, causing Xu Yan to tighten her hold and pick her back up.
The weather outside had turned warm, so Xu Yan took the baby out into the sunlight. The locust trees were in bloom, and the ground was covered with a thick layer of petals, which were scattered and then gathered again by the wind. She walked to the riverside and sat on the stone steps, hoping the baby would fall asleep. But the baby stayed awake, staring at the river with her. "Can you smell your mother?" Xu Yan asked the baby. The baby smiled.
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