The baby’s name was Qiao Luoqi, a name chosen by Qiao Lin, but it seemed no one remembered it. Her parents simply called her “the baby,” as if they still considered her a part of Qiao Lin. Her round eyes resembled Qiao Lin's. Sometimes, as Xu Yan gazed into them, she would feel an urge to talk to Qiao Lin, but she didn’t know what to say—everything she wanted to say, Qiao Lin likely already knew. Now, Qiao Lin knew everything about the world. She knew Xu Yan had come back, that she was with the baby, and that she missed her deeply.
On the morning Xu Yan was to leave, she took the baby out for a walk again. Passing by the train station, she said to the baby, “There are trains in there that go choo-choo, and then clatter down the tracks.” She added, “When you grow up, take one to come find me, okay?” The baby didn’t smile; she simply gazed at Xu Yan quietly. Xu Yan felt a pang in her heart and tightly held the baby’s hand. She couldn’t imagine how the child would grow up in such a broken home.
Back at the house, Xu Yan folded the baby’s clothes hanging by the door and placed them in a drawer. She noticed a cardboard box at the bottom of the cabinet, with a corner sticking out. She opened the box to find the white dress, which didn’t look quite the same as she remembered. The taffeta wasn’t as stiff, and the ruffles weren’t as intricate. She dressed the baby in it and carried her to the window. Sunlight danced on the little pearls on the bodice like musical notes. “Do you know how beautiful you are?” Xu Yan whispered to the baby, who nestled softly against her shoulder, nuzzling her neck.
On the train back, Xu Yan felt a pang of anxiety when she heard the whistle. She closed her eyes, trying to sleep, but the buzzing noise in her head wouldn’t stop. She drank some water, gulping it down, and then stared out the window at the trees and houses rushing by. Slowly, she began to calm down and made a decision. When she got back, she would tell Shen Haoming everything. He would find out sooner or later anyway. She wanted to discuss with him the possibility of bringing the baby to Beijing once she was a little older. If possible, she wanted to adopt her.
The driver was waiting for her at the station to take her to dinner. Shen Haoming had reserved a table at a Japanese restaurant. When they first started dating, they had been there once, looking out from the tatami room’s glass window at a small Japanese garden. But now it was late, and the moss-covered stones were lost in the darkness. “Let’s have some sake,” Xu Yan suggested to Shen Haoming. “I was just thinking the same,” he replied, picking up the menu.
The sake arrived, served in a round-bellied blue glass bottle. They clinked glasses. Shen Haoming asked, “When is your documentary airing?” Xu Yan was momentarily confused. “The one you filmed on this trip,” he clarified. “Oh, next month, I think. I’m not sure how it’ll turn out,” she replied, then asked, “Did your mom go to Paris?” “Not yet, she’s leaving next week. They insisted on flying on Uncle Xu’s private jet,” he said. “That’s nice; the four of them can play mahjong on the plane,” Xu Yan said. Shen Haoming scoffed, “Boring as hell.”
The garden outside was swallowed by the night, with only a small section illuminated by a lamp, casting a ghostly green light on the stones. Xu Yan finished her cup and looked up at Shen Haoming. “You know,” she began, “I’ve always thought you had a lot of admirable qualities…” She smiled, adding, “You know I’m not good with words, but I really think you’re kind and have a strong sense of justice…” “Why are you saying this?” Shen Haoming asked. “And you’ve been very tolerant with me. Our family backgrounds are different, our lifestyles too. I’m sure there are many things about me that bother you…” Shen Haoming interrupted, “Can we not talk like this?” Xu Yan poured herself another glass of sake, pressing her flushed face against the cool glass. “I came to Beijing when I was eighteen, not knowing anyone. I tutored, worked as a sales clerk, even hosted weddings to earn money to buy clothes and eat at Western restaurants. I just wanted to live a decent life, you know? My family had nothing when I was little, not even a desk. I had to do my homework on the windowsill… I really treasure the life I have now, and I treasure you, which is why I’ve always…” Xu Yan broke into tears. Shen Haoming frowned at her, and she felt a chill, unsure how to continue.
The waiter brought in dessert. They ate in silence. Shen Haoming poured her another glass and refilled his own. Xu Yan took a sip, gathered her courage, and said, “My cousin, the one who came to Beijing last winter…” Shen Haoming abruptly set his glass down on the table. Xu Yan froze. He slumped his shoulders and said, “I’ve been staying at Fang Lei’s place for the past two nights.” He poured himself another drink. “I was planning to tell you in a few days, but you’ve been talking me up so much, making me feel guilty. I wasn’t planning to hide it from you. You know I hate lying.” Xu Yan nodded blankly. She grasped the sake bottle, intending to pour another glass, but couldn’t bring herself to lift it. The bottle’s surface was covered in tiny droplets, like beads of pain. Staring at it, she quietly asked, “Is it something new between you two, or is it already over?” Shen Haoming didn’t answer. He lit a cigarette, white smoke curling up from his fingers. Xu Yan propped herself up on her elbows to stand from the tatami, saying, “I’m leaving now. When you’ve made up your mind, let me know what you plan to do.”
She opened the door and stepped outside. Shen Haoming rushed after her, draping her coat over her shoulders, saying, "You forgot to wear your coat again." Then he spread his arms and hugged her. Is this our final goodbye? The thought sent a pang through her heart, and she pushed him away, running to the roadside to hail a taxi.
Back at home, she realized her entire body was burning up, as if she had a fever. She set an alarm, swallowed two pills, and lay down. "Help me," she whispered into the darkness. As the sky began to lighten, she felt Qiao Lin's presence, sitting on the edge of the bed with her back turned, looking over her shoulder at Xu Yan. Her gaze promised nothing, yet it calmed Xu Yan.
The alarm rang multiple times before she struggled to sit up. She glanced at the other half of the bed, which was perfectly smooth, showing no signs of being touched. She took a shower and toasted two slices of bread. A text message popped up on her phone. She didn’t check it immediately but instead walked over to the window and drew back the curtains. It was raining outside. She spread apricot jam on her toast and ate it slowly. Only after finishing did she pick up her phone and open the message.
Shen Haoming: We should break up. I'm sorry.
She drank the rest of her milk, grabbed an umbrella, and headed out.
Having taken ten days off, there was a lot of work piled up. She recorded three episodes in one go. During a break, the director came in to discuss changes to the show: “Can you make it a bit livelier? It’s too dull. If the ratings keep dropping, we might have to cancel the show.” Xu Yan replied, “Then I’ll go host a news program.” The director laughed, “Something like ‘Focus Hour’? I never pegged you as someone with a sense of social responsibility.”
Xu Yan changed into another outfit and sat at the mirror to touch up her makeup. She asked the makeup artist, "What do you think about me getting a short haircut?" The makeup artist replied, "Yeah, it could work. Just don't keep those blunt bangs; they block your forehead and mess with your luck." Xu Yan smiled and said, "I'll take your advice."
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