When Zheng Jin turned fifty, he often reminisced about the past.
In his entire life, he felt he had only truly done two things: repairing clocks and loving Jin Ning. After Jin Ning passed away, the rest of his days were spent in memories.
In those memories, the year 2003 was a chaotic one. On a certain early morning in late autumn, Jin Ning was sitting up, combing her hair. Her hair was soft and black, cascading down to her waist, reminiscent of the women described in the Book of Songs with their graceful and lively manner.
Then she said, “My chest has been hurting a lot lately.”
Zheng Jin poured her a glass of hot water, not thinking too much of it. “I’ll take you to the hospital after work.”
Jin Ning replied, “No need. I can go by myself. It’s probably just age catching up with me.”
Sometimes, he wished he could give up ten years of his life just to relive that day. After all, his life without Jin Ning had become aimless. If he could go back to that day, he would’ve insisted on going to the hospital with her, stayed with her through the check-up, noticed the doctor’s concerned expression, and sent her away before asking what was wrong. And then, like a real man, he would’ve held her close and said, “It’s okay. Whatever happens, I’m here.”
But fate didn’t give him that chance.
So when the diagnosis came, Jin Ning was the one who received it alone. She sat in the cold wind for two hours, clutching the report, before walking back home in the dark.
Zheng Su Nian had tutoring that day and hadn’t returned. Zheng Jin was at home, reading under the lamp when Jin Ning quietly walked in.
She said, “The doctor says it’s stage two breast cancer.”
After New Year’s, it was time for final exams. The last big exam before the high school entrance exam. For Shao Xue, this holiday passed by without much of a celebration. After finally reviewing her chemistry equations, she put on her down jacket and left the house.
Zheng Su Nian’s home was still dark. Ever since Aunt Jin Ning had been hospitalized, neither he nor Uncle Zheng had been home much. They’d rented a bed at the hospital, taking turns staying by her side. On Shao Xue’s birthday, Zhang Qi had taken her out for a quick bowl of spicy hotpot. They sat in the cold winter night in silence for a long time.
Zhang Qi was attending a competitive class in high school, filled with top students from various schools. Even during New Year’s, he had extra classes, and when he came home, he ran into Shao Xue, who was out for some fresh air.
“You don’t get a break for New Year’s?” Shao Xue glanced at his bulky backpack, already knowing it was filled with a week’s worth of unwashed clothes.
“We get one day off,” he replied, looking a bit weary. “Then we’re back at it the day after.”
She nodded, staring at her toes for a while. Zhang Qi stopped and turned his head to ask her, “Let’s go visit Aunt Jin Ning tomorrow.”
She was momentarily stunned. The cold air filled her lungs, and a faint metallic taste spread in her mouth as if her capillaries had burst.
“Okay.”
Being part of the same workplace, Jin Ning’s illness had affected several families. The trouble was, Uncle Zheng was a man of few words, bottling everything up inside, which left others anxious yet helpless.
“You see, this Zheng Jin,” Yu Dong Ge complained as she packed milk and fruit for Shao Xue to take the next day, “I’ve told him plenty of times that if he needs anything, he should just let us know. We’ve been neighbors for so many years, we could help.”
Shao Hua, who had worked with Zheng Jin in the same office for twenty years, could only sigh deeply.
“He’s hurting too.”
Yes, he was hurting. When people are in pain, they often can’t speak about it, nor do they want to. Even when both body and mind are on the verge of collapse, they force themselves to stay strong.
Father and son alike, they were both good at enduring.
When Shao Xue and Zhang Qi arrived at the hospital, they witnessed a woman being diagnosed with cancer. She was likely facing a malignant tumor, crying in her loved one’s arms, devastated. Shao Xue felt a chill of fear creep up her spine. Then, when she looked up, she saw Zheng Su Nian walking downstairs with a lunch box in hand.
She hadn’t seen Zheng Su Nian in nearly two months. He was still wearing his school uniform, his hair a bit long, dark circles under his eyes. He seemed momentarily dazed upon seeing Shao Xue, and after a pause, he said, “What are you two doing here?”
“We came to bring something for Aunt,” Zhang Qi quickly replied. “Is she on the fourth floor?”
“Yeah, the fourth floor,” he nodded. “I’m going out to buy some porridge. You guys go ahead.”
In the freezing cold, he wasn’t even wearing a coat—just his uniform over a sweater as he walked out of the hospital. Shao Xue overheard a few nurses chatting behind her, “That son is so devoted… but the mother’s fate is so bitter. She looked so young.”
“I’ll head up,” Zhang Qi patted Shao Xue. “You go after Su Nian. He looks like he’s about to collapse.”
There were a few restaurants to the right of the hospital’s exit, but Zheng Su Nian didn’t take the main road. He wandered down a narrow, dirty alleyway, eventually stumbling into a dead end, where he suddenly crouched down by a wall.
The wind was fierce, making his school uniform flutter. Through the howling gusts, Shao Xue heard faint sobbing.
It was quiet and stifled, like the sound of a small, abandoned animal.
Shao Xue had known Zheng Su Nian for fifteen years and had never seen him cry. He was the kind of person who was gentle at heart, never liked arguments, and didn’t easily get frustrated. Growing up, he’d been mentored by a few old masters, making him seem like nothing could phase him, leading people who didn’t know him well to think he had no real personality.
Even Jin Ning had said he kept everything to himself, never speaking about what was on his mind.
People like that, even when they break down, do so in silence.
Shao Xue walked over. She knew her footsteps were audible, and she knew Zheng Su Nian had heard her following him. She placed her hand on his shoulder, her throat tight, unable to say a single word.
The wind was so strong.
He whispered, “My mom is such a good person… why?
“Why her?”
Shao Xue’s final exams were a complete disaster.
Her heart wasn’t in it. She quickly handed in her papers and rode her bike straight to the hospital. Zheng Su Nian had his own final exams that week, getting up early and staying up late for half a month. She couldn’t even imagine how he managed to get through it."
Uncle Zheng must have been completely exhausted, as he had fallen asleep on the nearby bed. When Shao Xue entered the room, she found Jin Ning awake. Upon seeing her, Jin Ning placed a finger to her lips in a "shushing" gesture.
Jin Ning was visibly wasting away.
The strong smell of disinfectant filled the air as Shao Xue sat beside her, intently watching her eyes. Jin Ning’s features had always been delicate, but the weight loss had caused her cheekbones to protrude, with skin hanging loosely over bone. Yet, her eyes still retained their former grace and charm.
When Jin Ning spoke, it was with the same playful tone as always.
“You finally came. I have so much to tell you.”
Shao Xue had visited many times, but Jin Ning was usually asleep. Zheng Su Nian was too exhausted to speak, so Shao Xue busied herself fetching medicine and food, doing whatever little tasks she could. Jin Ning held her hand, mustering all her strength to say, “Everything in that box of mine, it’s all for you.
“The books, tapes, even the music box—all yours. Xiao Xue, I’ve always liked you the best. Looking at you feels like seeing my younger self. This world is so vast, and if you have the heart, you can roam anywhere you want, across the country, across the seas...”
“Auntie,” Shao Xue fought to keep from choking up, “I don’t want your things. You’ll get better, and without you, I wouldn’t even understand those books.”
“I won’t always be here.” Jin Ning’s voice was soft, as if she were speaking about someone else. “I’ve had it too easy in this life. The heavens couldn’t bear it any longer, so they’re calling me back.”
Jin Ning, noticing Shao Xue was on the verge of tears, leaned in close and whispered, “I’d really like some cake. Could you get me a piece?”
“Did the doctor say it’s okay?” Shao Xue asked through her sniffles.
“Yes,” Jin Ning replied with a mischievous smile, “I finally have an appetite, and he’s sound asleep.”
Shao Xue wiped away her tears with her sleeve and hurried downstairs. There weren’t any bakeries nearby, so she braved the cold and biked three stops away. It was a small shop that was about to close for the night, but the owner, moved by her tearful pleas, baked a fresh cake.
As Shao Xue rushed out, the shopkeeper sighed to his assistant, “She must be going through something tough.”
But when Shao Xue returned to the hospital room, Jin Ning had once again fallen into a deep sleep.
Kang Mo Shui had also come by. She had left some soup by the bedside for Jin Ning and then led Shao Xue outside the hospital. The two stood by the roadside, a woman and a girl, both wearing expressions of sorrow.
“Auntie Kang,” Shao Xue asked with her head down, “Do you think Auntie Jin will get better?”
Kang Mo Shui sighed deeply but said nothing.
On the fourteenth day of the first lunar month, the day before the Lantern Festival, Jin Ning was moved to the ICU.
She had never believed in fate, but at the end, she seemed to accept it. Uncle Zheng poured his life savings into the hospital, assuring her again and again not to worry about money.
“Everyone dies eventually,” she said during a lucid moment. “Su Nian will need that money for the future. What’s the point of spending it all trying to keep me alive?”
The next time she woke up, she was already in the ICU.
That was when Zheng Su Nian began to despise the smell of disinfectant and the color white. He never understood why some people chose to pursue medicine after a loved one’s illness, while he only felt repulsed. With limited visiting hours in the ICU, he spent most of his time watching over Jin Ning through the monitor. She occasionally woke up but was often confused. After reassuring them for so long, she eventually let her guard down and murmured, “They won’t let me eat anything here. I just want strawberries, something sweet…”
Zheng Su Nian couldn’t bear it anymore and turned to Zheng Jin, “Dad, let’s bring Mom home.”
Zheng Jin shook his head.
He wanted her to live.
As long as the doctors said there was a glimmer of hope, he refused to give up. Each day in the ICU cost thousands, draining both his energy and resources. Even so, when he went in to visit her, he always put on a brave face.
Jin Ning could only see him for a short while each day, forcing herself to stay awake during those moments.
“Look at you,” she said with a faint smile. “I used to handle everything—paying the water and electricity bills, filing reports. You always found ways to avoid it. And now? It’s all on you, isn’t it?”
“I’ll do it all from now on,” he promised. “When you get better, I’ll handle everything—paying the bills, making copies, writing reports. All of it.”
“Do you mean it?” she asked.
“Absolutely.”
After a pause, Jin Ning, now drowsy, muttered, “Zheng Jin, I really do love you.”
The older generation didn’t casually express love, and Zheng Jin nearly broke down in tears. He touched her face and, with a self-deprecating smile, said, “You were so beautiful when you were young, traveled to so many places, and then spent the second half of your life stuck here with me. It must feel like such a waste.”
“Not a waste,” she said, her strength fading. “Not a bit of regret.”
That was the last thing Jin Ning ever said to him.
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