In my dream, it was eighty years ago. Xiao Yi Han was still at Xian Ling Mountain, and I was still his timid, devoted disciple.
Even though he had once told me, “Compared to other kids, you were the easiest to take,” and even though he had admitted to consorting with demons, and even though I knew following him meant standing against the entire mountain, I couldn’t leave the courtyard where he lived. I couldn’t leave him.
I stopped attending the academy and instead busied myself tidying the mountain peak and reading the books he had left me. Every day, I looked up at the sky, waiting for him to return. Even if he no longer greeted me upon his arrival, just knowing he came back was enough to comfort me.
But that fragile sense of comfort ended the last time Xiao Yi Han returned to Xian Ling Mountain.
It was late at night, and the mountain was silent. Xiao Yi Han stumbled back, his sword carrying him unsteadily. He looked more disheveled and out of sorts than I had ever seen him, even in his drunkest moments.
I didn’t know what had happened. I simply took care of him as I always did.
Dragging him to his bed, I was about to pull a blanket over him when he suddenly sat up. His gaze was piercingly clear, as though he hadn’t been drinking at all.
“Little disciple,” he called.
“Yes, Master?” I answered.
“People say I consort with demons, and you don’t believe it. I look down on you for being a beggar, and you don’t get angry. You know my actions go against everything righteous, yet you stay by my side. Why?” His hand rose to touch my cheek.
Hearing his words, realization dawned on me. That shadow I had glimpsed at the academy—watching me argue—had indeed been Xiao Yi Han.
I answered, “I told you when I first joined the sect. I’m alone, and so are you. No matter what happens, I’ll stay by your side.”
Xiao Yi Han laughed. He always laughed—mockingly, shamelessly, carelessly. But this time, his laughter held satisfaction, helplessness, and an indescribable sorrow.
“Little disciple,” he murmured, his other hand brushing my cheek. “Haven’t I told you before? Don’t look at me with those eyes.”
I didn’t understand.
Before I could ask, Xiao Yi Han stood, still cradling my face, and pressed his lips against mine.
The warmth of his touch ignited a fire that seared straight to my heart. It felt as though my chest might explode. Stunned and horrified, I froze as though dead for a moment. But then I came to my senses and shoved him away.
Or at least, I tried. Xiao Yi Han didn’t move.
He held me tightly, almost forcefully, his hand pressing against the back of my head so I couldn’t escape. His lips claimed mine, leaving no room to hide. The faint aroma of wine on his breath clouded my thoughts, overwhelming me completely.
It felt as though I had also become intoxicated. After a brief struggle, my resistance faltered. Against Xiao Yi Han, I was utterly defenseless.
In that moment, countless memories flashed through my mind—every detail of our time together. Suddenly, I understood why I had felt more heartache than anger upon learning of his involvement with the demoness. I realized why, even now, I was willing to stand against the world just to stay by his side.
It wasn’t just respect or dependence I felt for this irreverent, infuriating man. Mixed within was a love so deeply rooted I hadn’t even recognized it myself.
When had it started? I couldn’t say. Perhaps from the moment he took me in, or the day I first saw his triumphant smile. Maybe it was that time during training when he stood in front of me, shielding me from harm.
Whenever it began, by the time he kissed me, I knew. He had already taken root in my heart and mind.
Pain shot through my back as Xiao Yi Han pushed me onto the bed.
His lips moved to my neck, the heat of his touch spreading through me like wildfire. My mind was in chaos, my body trembling, unsure of itself. I glimpsed the moonlight through the window, my heart pounding erratically. I should push him away, I thought. I knew I should—but my brain seemed incapable of forming the will.
A soft “clink” interrupted us—a crisp sound as something fell to the floor.
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