Recently, she had started experiencing insomnia.
Insomnia often brings unbearable suffering. In the stillness of the night, as you face the silent world of darkness, you tend to become much calmer than during the day. Things appear more rational, too.
But after calmness and rationality comes the bitter realization that you’re often closer to the truth and essence of matters. For those used to being ostriches (a metaphor for avoiding problems), this can be terrifying and unsettling—at least, that’s how I see it.
Thinking about the past, the present, the future, relationships, how to navigate life, reflecting on past immaturity, and current growth—
Since sleep is out of reach, time might as well be spent meaningfully.
Many thoughts often lead nowhere. In other words, it’s all in vain. Yet, I stubbornly continue to think, with countless ideas tangling together in an unresolvable mess. You can’t forcefully untangle them, as that will only make the knot tighter, leaving you frustrated and in pain.
So, the only option is to let them tangle and watch from the sidelines.
Shen Xi Fan lay in bed with her eyes wide open, listening to the ticking of the clock. She had given up fighting against insomnia, resigning herself to staring at the vast darkness, her thoughts running in endless loops.
Turning over with a sigh, she realized it had been five nights in a row. If this continued, she might lose her mind. The tension she held onto tightly during the day refused to loosen at night. Working in the hospitality industry was inherently high-pressure—especially as the manager of the housekeeping department. If this went on, she wondered if she might die on the job.
Thinking about work triggered another wave of frustration: she couldn’t say she either liked or disliked the job; it just felt like a way to make ends meet. Although landing the position had required tapping into her connections, and three years later she had smoothly risen to the manager role, earning the “gold-collar” label in the eyes of others, the accompanying pressure was suffocating. Now, her work was the very thing causing her insomnia.
She hugged her pillow and groaned, half-kneeling on the bed as she calculated. She had a day off tomorrow and absolutely had to go to the hospital to get some sleeping pills.
Finally drifting into a drowsy sleep, she had no idea how much time had passed before her phone rang. It was her mother. Checking the time, she saw it was just after 7 a.m. and felt like crying—she’d barely fallen asleep and was already being woken up.
As always, her mother started with the same old topic, nagging away. “Fan Fan, Aunt Wang next door wants to introduce a young man to you. He’s just returned from studying abroad. He might not be very handsome, but he has a house and a car...”
Shen Xi Fan was annoyed. When sleep-deprived, her temper became explosive. Without thinking, she snapped, “To hell with your overseas returnee! He’s just a green turtle!”
Her mother was startled. “Fan Fan, are you still half-asleep?”
“I haven’t slept at all, Mom! I’ve been struggling with insomnia and feel like I’m dying. Please ask Aunt Yang to get me some sleeping pills. If this goes on, your daughter will turn into a skeleton!”
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