“Nonsense, you smell great.” Hao Yi’s gentle kisses trailed down to my neck.
Maybe it was the exhaustion of the day that made me more sensitive to his touch. I closed my eyes and held him, his heated breath laced with desire wrapping around me like a scorching wind, enveloping me entirely.
In the darkness behind my closed eyelids, I tried to picture the contours of my intimate partner, but I saw nothing. Instead, a whisper unexpectedly surfaced—
“I want to sleep with you.”
The voice was so lifelike, it felt as if Chu Ke Huan had truly said those four words to me before.
Before I could react, the blurred figure took form—it became Chu Ke Huan. Flesh and warmth materialized, along with an added touch of force. He kissed me aggressively, subdued me, and possessed both my mind and body, forcing me to confront a hypothetical question: What if the person making love to me were Chu Ke Huan?
A warm, wet sensation surged between my legs, and I was jolted to the realization that my subconscious had already recklessly answered the question.
I wanted to return to reality, but my eyelids felt heavy as lead. In the end, I gave up struggling. Desire easily overwhelmed reason, and I responded with even greater intensity—not to Hao Yi, but rather, to Chu Ke Huan.
And then I discovered, to my shame, that I was fully indulging in it.
So, this was the truth—my earlier resistance to him had all been self-deception.
Had I been so desperately yearning for Chu Ke Huan since that last meeting, when he held my hand and told me not to be afraid? No. Perhaps the seed was planted much earlier, on the day of the social gathering, when he walked toward me and fastened the button on my chest. The fuse had been lit then, waiting for me to fall step by step into this trap and ignite myself.
Is a sexual fantasy emotional infidelity? Or physical infidelity? I no longer had the capacity to think.
The fire of guilt burned fiercely, and all it would take to extinguish it was opening my eyes—but instead, I greedily wallowed in it, convincing myself that fantasies were not a crime.
Chu Ke Huan, if desiring you is a sin, then you are my accomplice.
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