“I don’t want to give you back to him,” he said, his tears soaking the pillow. As the dampness spread to my shoulder and back, he gave up suppressing his emotions and began sobbing audibly while holding me tightly.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, gently stroking the back of his head. Seeing him so helpless, like a child, made me feel even more like a terrible person.
“I really, truly love you…” he cried out, his voice filled with confusion.
I really, truly love you too. I said it in my heart but didn’t dare to voice it aloud.
“Do you know? My entire future has been decided by a funeral,” I said bitterly, finally revealing the truth. “A wedding to chase away mourning—what the fuck!”
“So I didn’t lose to him; I lost to a tradition.” He let out a resigned, bitter laugh. “What the fuck, indeed.”
“That’s why, in a few days, when Hao Yi comes back to Taipei, I’ll be registering my marriage with him.” I sniffled, trying to feign lightheartedness, but my voice cracked with emotion. “Who would’ve thought… I’d move ahead of you in life, right?”
He didn’t respond but instead asked an unrelated question: “Do you know the most important trait for a trader?”
I blinked, confused by the sudden shift.
“Discipline,” he said, exhaling a long, meaningful sigh. “When you’re losing, you cut your losses. When you’re profiting, you cash out. It’s greed that makes you lose everything. And with you, I wanted too much.”
His words felt like a knife plunging into my heart.
I tried to ignore the tears welling in my eyes and forced a smile. “It’s late. Let’s be serious—will you wish me happiness?”
“You’re about to cry. I can’t give you that kind of blessing,” he said, wiping away my tears. His voice was filled with pain and bewilderment. “Why are you always so cruel to yourself?”
“Because I’m not brave enough,” I replied, my voice trembling. Larger tears spilled over, flowing like a river. The ache in my chest twisted and pulled at me.
I’m not brave enough to live for myself. I’m too afraid to face the disappointment in everyone’s eyes, so I try to make myself perfect. I’d protected Hao Yi, upheld his family, but in front of Chu Ke Huan, I had become a complete monster.
“I should go,” he said mournfully. “If I stay any longer, I don’t know what I might do to try and keep you here.”
“You said earlier that you and Zi Yuan… haven’t resolved things yet, right?” I said, grasping at something, anything. “It’s still not too late. Just tell her you were overwhelmed by pre-wedding stress, that you had a moment of confusion…”
“I know,” he interrupted. “You don’t need to say it—I understand.”
“There won’t be a wedding for me and Hao Yi, and as for yours with Zi Yuan… I won’t attend. Let’s not meet again if we can help it…” My voice broke, and tears blurred my vision as I cupped his face and kissed him deeply. “If there’s a parallel universe, let’s fall in love there instead.”
“Take care of yourself,” he said softly.
The moment Chu Ke Huan turned away, he didn’t say goodbye. I knew then that it was truly over. After running away from him so many times, this was the first time I watched him leave. Only at that moment did I realize how gut-wrenching and unbearable it was. Chu Ke Huan had endured this heartbreak countless times, chasing after me again and again. How reckless and unrestrained his love had been, with no regard for cutting his losses.
And now, all of that—every ounce of emotion, every fragment of our connection—was left behind in this room. By tomorrow morning, it would be discarded along with the trash collected by housekeeping, erased like it had never existed.
In the end, neither of us wished the other happiness.
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